Is There Really Light At The End Of The Tunnel?
Or Are You Just Stuck In A Well Of Darkness?
It was a usual Friday morning, I woke up and practiced gratitude as prescribed by my therapist. I thanked the universe for keeping me alive during this pandemic, helping me get over my divorce (almost there), and for many other good things in my life.
Then I spent time in my balcony looking at the cloudy skies, and waiting for the sunshine. Then I posted something on my Insta after almost a month. Got instant likes too. That put a smile on my face. While I carried out my daily routine, having a healthy breakfast, getting on a couple of office calls and making lunch, I thought to myself, ‘Maybe this is called getting ones shit together. Maybe finally the hurting will stop’.
The Voices
But then as the day went on, slowly creeping in, the demons within my head started whispering. ‘Do you even know what you’re doing?, Are you worth anything at all? People don’t even like you, You say you’re a survivor but we all know that you’re just a fraud. You haven’t suffered like the others did, you will fail miserably’ etc. No matter how hard I tried to ignore them, the voices just kept getting louder by the day.
I wanted to fall asleep, but I thought talking to someone could be a good idea, but it didn’t turn out as expected. I ended up sabotaging that conversation too. Once again, the voices started screaming in my head: ‘ You cannot even have a decent conversation with someone, you aren’t worthy of love. What’s wrong with you? Why do you have to make everything about you? Can you please get over yourself?’.
The inner-bully is the meanest!
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Triggers
Depression affects different people in different ways. Some days are better than the others, but it doesn’t really go away. That dark gloomy cloud, just makes everything 10X times worse. I identified a few patterns and triggers where my mood just takes a downturn.
- Stress — Stress is one of the main triggers for me. In addition to this, I can’t really be stress-free ever, because I feel this urge to always have things organized and do everything perfectly and in the quest for perfection, I pile them up. And having more on the to-do-list stresses the life out of me.
- Weather — The cold and rain makes me feel even more gloomier. The weather makes me lazy and I start feeling anxious because I feel like I am not doing everything I could do. That causes more stress and anxiety and voila! we are back again.
- Trauma — Even though it seems like I’ve gotten it together from the outside, I still feel like everything in my life is just hanging by a thread. I don’t even know what I am trying to say, but it feels good to put it on paper. Depression kind of blocks that too. I struggled to get back to writing for the longest time since my divorce episode and I still am struggling. But I am working on it.
People & Conversations
Talking to people could get extremely overwhelming when you’re depressed. You cannot really give them a reason why you’re feeling ‘Dull’. Because even you don’t have an idea. Maintaining friendships and relationships can get very stressful. You don’t want to drag them into your hole and you can’t do it all by yourself either.
It just gets worse when people that we expect support from end up saying things like, ‘ I’ve been there too, Why won’t you give me a smile?, Your sufferings make you stronger, Why can’t you at least try to be normal?, It is just impossible to make you happy’ etc.
My anxiety makes it real difficult for me to focus on conversations at times. I cannot even read through a series of messages on whatsapp. It just gets lost in between and I am working on it. People who are close to me understand this and repeat the message again if I somehow miss replying to them. But many people who do not understand feel that I am rude and insensitive.
Though I am in therapy, and am working towards feeling better and feeling happiness from within, there are so many situations, I wish I could have handled differently. There’s a constant movie playing in my mind where I replay different scenarios to past events that happened in my life.
With all this overwhelming thoughts running in my mind constantly, I still hope that one day, I will see light at the end of the tunnel.
Though I feel unsure about all the transitions that are happening in my life currently, I hope that one day, it will all be over — the pain, the hurt and the need for constant approval from everyone. One day, I will finally feel the sunshine not just on the outside but within my soul!
P.S — Depression and anxiety affect different people in different ways. This post is just a story of my experiences, it isn’t meant to invalidate anyones experiences in any manner. Take care and stay safe
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