Borrowing From Tomorrow to Push Through Today
Have I really forgotten how to be myself?
Trigger Warning: Depression, Isolation, Anxiety
A lot has changed since the last time I let my heart write for me. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write another real piece that my readers could relate to.
I told myself that it was just writer’s block, or that I had just gotten busy with life and couldn’t give time for writing. But it was neither. I was just too scared that if I decided to be real, I’d actually have to face what I’d been shutting off for a long time — the emptiness, the exhaustion, the guilt, the pain and so much more.
Do you ever just sit there through your day and literally do nothing, not because you are lazy, but because sometimes you forget how to be yourself?
I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone but I have been borrowing a lot lately from tomorrow to survive today.
Surviving vs. Living Life
There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I would actually embrace these raw and unfiltered emotions, truly enjoy the experiences of life, engage with the world, and connect with my inner self. But today, it feels like I am just existing. Day in and day out, just struggling to get through basic daily things.
Somedays, I allow myself to completely let go and the other days, I regret doing that. I am just surviving through the days on auto-pilot without really living it. No wonder, I don’t remember things like I used to. But that’s not how you are supposed to navigate through life, is it?
I know that a lot of people have it worse, but that doesn’t make what I feel any less real. My therapist asked me to practice gratitude and focus on the good things I have in life. And honestly, even if things aren’t going according to my plan, things are fine and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for the friends I made and I am even more grateful for the friends that grew apart. I wouldn’t really know who were my people if they didn’t. I am grateful for the beautiful and supportive family I have. I am grateful that the universe is somehow helping me hold on to these relationships that I consider my ‘Life jacket’.
But I really miss being myself.
Embracing Vulnerability
As I sat down to write what I was feeling today, I realized that writing from a place of vulnerability can be both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Writing has always helped me put my feelings into words and understand them better.
I’ve always enjoyed the romantic comedy movies from the early 2000s where the main character writes their heart out at the end of the movie and boom! Everything falls into place and it’s a happy ending. But real life, however, is a lot different.
I’ve had those moments quite a few times, but putting your feelings out there comes with a lot of courage and consequences. One, it opens the floodgates to emotions that we’ve kept suppressed. Two, it helps you connect on a deeper level with readers who’ve gone through something similar or felt the same emotions.
As scary as it seems, embracing my vulnerability has actually helped me in the past to find the direction for the next chapters of my life. But this time, I don't know where to begin or what to tell you. I have consistently spent the past couple of months staring at my blank screen, trying to contemplate why I haven’t been feeling like myself.
The Impact On Relationships
I always tell my friends and acquaintances, ‘You can’t nurture relationships in your life while YOU are running on an empty engine’. Well, guess whose engine’s been empty for a while. I used to draw energy from the quality time spent with myself which gave me energy to nurture the relationships in my life. But now, I’ve just been distracting myself, and scrolling through social media when I am alone.
I am too scared to take a break from all the running around and just say out loud that certain experiences of my life have changed my perspective for good and I need time to heal from all the pain. Instead, I have been pretending to be fine for so long because you can’t expect the whole world to stop just because your world did.
And maybe because I am not being true to myself, I am not being true to the friendships and relationships in my life. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now. Could it be true?
How could I belong with anyone, if I don’t feel a sense of belonging even with myself?
Letting the Fears Takeover
Have you ever felt a cloud of fears taking over you and you cannot see anything beyond? I spoke to a few friends and apparently, it is a more common feeling than I had thought. Guess, I am not alone.
My days are anxious because I can’t put all my energy into things I really want to do. Even when I do, I feel guilty about not doing it earlier. Every night, I speak to my people and gather energy and hope that maybe the next day will be better and I will have something positive to hold on to. But when your brain is fixated on the fact that everything else is falling apart, it kind of manifests itself.
How do I get out of this loop that I’ve created for myself? I had a long conversation with one of my friends, who told me that if we could control our minds, we could protect ourselves from the negative impacts it has on our mental health and this could be a positive manifestation of things in our lives. It all made sense suddenly, for some time at least, I believed that I could change my experiences by manifesting.
I felt happy, hopeful and peaceful. But I couldn’t hold on to that feeling for a long time. I have amazing people in my life who support me and celebrate me. But no matter how much I feel like opening up, I always hold back. I often encourage people around me to open up and assure them that this is a ‘Judgement-free zone’ but when it comes to me, I feel scared.
It’s not that I don’t trust my people, but I have a fear. A fear that my emotions will be thrown back at me. There were times when I was gaslit on a major level when I tried to be vulnerable and I don’t think I am ready to get hurt like that again. Or is it because I have negative feelings about my own personality that I don’t want anyone else to see? I don’t know. I still let my fears take over me.
Gradually Saving Up For Tomorrow
I used to embrace experiences as they came. I enjoyed watching movies and TV shows with unbelievable plot twists. But today, I find a sense of comfort in knowing what’s gonna happen next. So, I rewatch movies that I’ve already watched a dozen times, for it makes me feel calm and less anxious.
It’s the same with life. Having a routine and doing the same thing, day in and day out, is so underrated. Creating a routine comes with a lot of determination. I figured this out after trying to get back into one myself. I am still trying. My friend asked me to just make very tiny changes to my day — Baby steps. So, for the past month, I’ve been able to drag myself out of bed and go for a walk. No other goal, just a tiny walk.
It was hard when I started, I felt anxious seeing people outside. I didn’t realize this could be a problem. Giving up felt easier. But thanks to my ‘Life jacket’ people, I did not. I would go for a walk during the times when there weren’t many people in the park.
Gradually, this little walk became something that I’d look forward to every day. My comfort routine. It was predictable, yet calming. I cannot put this in words but I started drawing energy from this tiny change I made to my day. The fog in my brain started to clear, and I started to see a part of myself clearly. For the state I was in before, this was a huge win for me.
I still have a lot to overcome, for there is a lot to heal from. But slowly saving up for tomorrow has helped me heal certain aspects as well. The fact that I am finally writing this piece and embracing my vulnerability fills me with hope. That one day at a time, I will be able to accept all parts of me. Having this piece out there makes me happy because this is also a very raw and unfiltered piece of me.
© Shaik Rohia Munavar
