After you stopped loving me, I forgot how to love myself too!

One day it all ended and I just stood there! I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk. I was numb, yet tears kept rolling down my cheeks.

It all started with a simple text; so simple, yet so powerful. What is it that we all look for when we lose something? A shoulder to cry on, a person who understands our pain and a way to escape. I was the escape plan!

The moments we cared for each other and the memories we shared with each other kept increasing every day. It was one of the most beautiful feelings that I’d experienced. Everything seemed to be falling in place. We laughed over silly things and couldn’t stop thinking of each other. We’d worry when we weren’t together and be the happiest when we held our hands.

One night, worried that I’d lost them forever, I cried so much, for it wasn’t the first time someone close to me had left without giving me answers. I was crushed and was about to blame myself for everything that happened, but I soon realized that I was wrong. That was the only time I worried when we were together. I never got paranoid again.

We’d always listen to each other and understand our plans for future and acknowledge our deep insecurities. Though we were the closest people to each other, we’d respect our boundaries. I always liked to have my space. Though we were in a crowd, we’d miss each other. When we were back together, we’d talk about our future together.

One day we mutually acknowledged that the feelings that we had for each other were stronger than we knew. We realized that we loved each other. We were in love. Everything was perfect! Then again, perfection is overrated. We were only human, we had our first fight and survived it. We promised each other never to fight for the same reason again.

We were a part of each others’ lives and routines back then. We were inseparable and considered ourselves each others’ good habit. At least I thought he was mine. Like all happy stories, our story had to end too. I didn’t want it to end and tried my best to hold on.

One day it all ended and I just stood there watching my happy ending walk away! I just couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk. I was numb, yet tears kept rolling down my cheeks.

I was struggling to move on. Struggling to forget everything. I wanted to forget so badly, but still wanted to hold on. I felt suffocated in my own skin. I wanted to call or drop a text again. I actually did it but that didn’t make any difference. In the end, I had to deal with the grief myself. No one could help me other than myself. But for me to help myself, I had to remember to love myself again because After you stopped loving me, I forgot how to love myself too!

I kept checking my phone, hoping that I’d receive a text or a call. I felt empty but my inner-self laughed at me saying, “I told you so”. I begged for this to be a bad dream. I wanted the voices in my head to stop. I wanted his voice in my head to go away.

Day in and day out, nothing seemed to change. No matter what I did, my heart kept aching and my mind couldn’t stop thinking about our time together. Our late night phone calls, our silly little internal jokes, our crazy plans for future and so many tiny bits of memories refused to leave my mind alone. The more I remembered the lonelier I felt.

One thing about life is that, a bad episode doesn’t stop for the other one to end. Life just throws situations at your face and you have to learn to handle them no matter what the current state of your mind is.

With my emotional needs unattended, my health started deteriorating and I started experiencing pain in more than just one part of my body. Soon, I started feeling anxious about every small thing. I wanted things to start fast and end even faster, be it work or be it interaction with anyone. I would just spend hours looking into the mirror, trying to figure out how I ended up ruining the only closest thing to true love in my life. I could say that I was lost!

source: rawpixel

I thought being away from my current routine would help me. I tried many ways to distract myself from my current state of mind. I tried so many things so that I could forget, but I forgot only for as long as I did those things. The feelings would come rushing to surface, soon after. I reached a point where I thought that there’s no hope for me. I’d never be free from the hurt and pain. As depressing as it sounds, it isn’t.

I realized a very valuable thing because of this experience in my life. Some things just stay with us forever and we can never really forget about something so close to our hearts and that’s okay. Though this whole process takes a lot of patience, time and effort, we all owe it to ourselves. Grieving someone who’s still around is the most painful thing to do but it does have the ability to make us stronger and turn us into someone who cherishes every single happy moment in their lives.

Now, I’ve made peace with my situation and though I am not completely happy, I know that one day, I’ll get there!

© Shaik Rohia Munavar

A twenty-something Writer/ Marketing Consultant. Follow for thoughtful content on various aspects like feminism, writing tips, daily inspiration, HR

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